Dear Tahiris, I think overall you wrote a very good essay contain lots of good ideas. In order to make your essay more powerful, I think your should try to organize your ideas so that each paragraph focuses only on one important idea, so that your essay can be more coherent. You have a lot of verb tense confusion in your essay, I suggest writing in present tense as a convention. Personally, I think you should try to eliminate the use of 'is', 'are', 'was', 'were' because they weaken your arguement. One last thing, I think you should rewrite your introduction as to make your essay more powerful and to reconstruct your conclusion to make it more convincing. Thank you Tran P.S. I wrote about the same things in my essay, no plagiarism intended.
Tahiris, I really enjoyed reading your essay. Your thesis is very strong and the physical description of the ad is really good. Even without seeing the ad I was able to get a very clear picture in my head. I like how you thoroughly analyzed each individual aspect of the as before moving on to another topic. It made the essay very organized and easy to read. Were/are you a runner? You seem to have a very good insight into the mind of a runner. If not, and all of the thoughts coming from a runners mind were assumptions then they are very good. From doing track in high school and having to listen to “runner speak” for four years, everything you say is very accurate to the attitudes of serious runners, at least the ones I know. Also, you point out exactly what the advertisers want you to think when looking at the ad. The only criticism I have is that your essay needs to be a bit longer, I don’t know what exactly you could add because I haven’t seen the ad and the essay is extremely thorough as is. See you on Thursday!
Dear Tahiris,
ReplyDeleteI think overall you wrote a very good essay contain lots of good ideas. In order to make your essay more powerful, I think your should try to organize your ideas so that each paragraph focuses only on one important idea, so that your essay can be more coherent. You have a lot of verb tense confusion in your essay, I suggest writing in present tense as a convention. Personally, I think you should try to eliminate the use of 'is', 'are', 'was', 'were' because they weaken your arguement. One last thing, I think you should rewrite your introduction as to make your essay more powerful and to reconstruct your conclusion to make it more convincing.
Thank you
Tran
P.S. I wrote about the same things in my essay, no plagiarism intended.
Tahiris,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your essay. Your thesis is very strong and the physical description of the ad is really good. Even without seeing the ad I was able to get a very clear picture in my head. I like how you thoroughly analyzed each individual aspect of the as before moving on to another topic. It made the essay very organized and easy to read. Were/are you a runner? You seem to have a very good insight into the mind of a runner. If not, and all of the thoughts coming from a runners mind were assumptions then they are very good. From doing track in high school and having to listen to “runner speak” for four years, everything you say is very accurate to the attitudes of serious runners, at least the ones I know. Also, you point out exactly what the advertisers want you to think when looking at the ad. The only criticism I have is that your essay needs to be a bit longer, I don’t know what exactly you could add because I haven’t seen the ad and the essay is extremely thorough as is. See you on Thursday!
- Sara